Since childhood, we strive to meet the high standards set by society. Get a good education, build a career, acquire material goods (at least the classic three "car-apartment-country house"), while not forgetting to realize yourself as a wife and mother. And, ideally, look no less impressive than the supermodels on the gala show Victoria’s Secret. And if something went wrong - failures at work, a cracked marriage or extra pounds - the problem should be sought exclusively in yourself and deal with it with the most decisive methods. But here, as in any business, any good idea can be pushed to the point of absurdity: it is one thing to strive for self-improvement, and another to fanatically adjust yourself to ephemeral standards, waiting for endless approval from the outside.
Where does it come from?
Let us understand one important thing at once: society is not interested in the happiness of any individual. Just because. Society has developed certain rules, observing which, people adapt to the neighborhood with each other, to control, submission, reproduction and other to varying degrees important and useful options. It doesn't say anything about happiness.
Moreover, to be frankly happy as if even indecent – here is a man walking down the street, smiling at passers-by, and receives in response disapproving glances: “Are you a fool?” How can you be happy when 22 million people live below the poverty line in Russia? How can you be happy when whales are being slaughtered in Australia and war is going on in Syria and starving children are dying in Africa? In general, people around you will find for you a million reasons why you need to realize your responsibility to the whole world. So enjoying life while someone is suffering (and someone is necessarily suffering) is almost criminal.
On the other hand, you must necessarily be if not happy, then definitely prosperous. It's exemplary. Neighbors and less ideal colleagues should have someone to look up to. So that at parental meetings, you will be set as an example first, and after years - your children. So that the house is a full bowl, like from the sweet advertising of mayonnaise. And a person who takes such attitudes very seriously and to his heart from childhood is doomed to grow up a perfectionist. But will this path come to El Dorado? Yes, when it comes to a home appliances supermarket. But for well-being and joy – alas, definitely not.
Short Course “How to ruin everything”
A perfectionist from childhood is used to the fact that love cannot be unconditional and must be earned. And along the way to deserve everything else – approval, respect, material well-being. Every sacrifice is placed on this altar, including personal life and mental health. A person whose brain is densely entrenched in the “achieve – love” attitude begins to make similar demands on others, turning their own children and loved ones into perfectionists. Painful reaction to criticism, eternal desire for praise, jumps in self-esteem, apathy that comes after each failure, unhealthy sacrifice – all this every second accompanies the perfectionist, preventing him from living. And these are not all “side effects.”
People who are obsessed with perfectionism (aka "A" syndrome) spend too much energy constantly monitoring and polishing each step instead of focusing on the task itself. As a result, work efficiency suffers. New beginnings are accompanied by panic and self-doubt: “What if I don’t succeed?” And the prospect of getting out of their comfort zone can drive them into a state of severe stress and even depression.
Personal relationships are even more difficult – perfectionists are usually so afraid to show themselves real and with imperfections that from the outside they may seem fake, superficial and inanimate. Rehearsed dialogues only in our head can look brilliant, and from the outside they do not seem at all.
Excessively high self-requirements do not contribute to the strengthening of relations with men – they too, often against their will, are forced to meet expectations, which invariably leads to conflicts and breakups. “Why do you have a beer belly, if I spend three days a week in the gym?”, “But Linke was given a one-carat diamond for the New Year – why are you not like her boyfriend?”, “I traveled more often than with you!”, – needless to say that such reproaches do not inspire a man to career achievements, and do not inspire anything at all, except to close the door from the outside. And finally, constant self-criticism directly affects health – “suddenly” insomnia, constant headaches and even cardiovascular disorders appear.
There's a way out.
What should you do if you recognise yourself in this description? First of all, take a deep breath, drink water and continue reading. It is not a life sentence. It is difficult to overcome the “excellence syndrome” in yourself, but it is possible.
Allow yourself small imperfections
No, the world will not collapse unless you read the letter three times before sending it, align all the pictures in the millimeter-to-millimeter presentation, and even – oh Gods – make a typo in the text. It seems nothing complicated, but for many this simple therapy is almost a feat, when hands literally begin to itch to bring everything to the usual “perfection”. But no, you can't. Moreover, in most cases, people around you will not even notice that something is wrong. And in general, a person has the right to make a mistake. And you're the same person.
Identify priorities
What is most important to you at the moment? How long will it take to solve each task? What can be pushed to the background? How to distribute the forces correctly? It is impossible to do everything perfectly at the same time, but it is also not worth sacrificing all things for the sake of polishing to shine one thing - not the most urgent and important - is also not worth it. Ask yourself these questions often to optimize your work.
Set deadlines for yourself.
In any case – whether it is preparing a family dinner, getting ready for a gala event or preparing a project for a client. So you save time, nerves and start to manage much more, but save energy.
Delegate responsibilities, at least in part
The phrase “you want to do something well – do it yourself” sounds beautiful and important, but it certainly shouldn’t be a universal mantra. Start delegating at least small responsibilities to others, then try to entrust them with something more serious. Yes, the first (second or even third) time they can make a mistake, but if you don’t try to learn, nothing will happen. Again, everyone has the right to make mistakes, so be tolerant of loved ones, colleagues and subordinates. Don’t push or blame, and then you will surely get the right result. People need to feel that you trust them and take responsibility for their actions. And in the long run – and to take initiative (read also: “Why it is important to involve employees in the workflow (and how to do it)”).
Criticism isn't a bad thing. Praise is not always good.
If a pro criticizes you, consider this as valuable advice that will help you become better. If the critic is an amateur, can they objectively assess you and your work? So with praise, is it always sincere? Hardly if you objectively perceive your results and the people who evaluate them. Try to look at a critical situation with humor, defuse the situation with a joke - it always helps. And if you include self-irony, then life becomes disproportionately easier.
No one promises you that fighting perfectionism is easy and painless, but it’s a battle you can and should win. The battle with the mythical fears, outdated stereotypes and postulates that will not make your life either happier or more prosperous. Listen primarily to yourself, your own desires and inner voice, without thinking about “what friends/colleagues/neighbors on the stairwell will say.” After all, they have enough problems of their own to fix everything on strangers.
Source: Marie claire
